Funny Quotes

Grissom: Did you know that pigs are very intelligent animals? Right behind chimps, dolphins, and elephants.
Warrick: Ahead of dogs?
Grissom: And certain politicians

Greg Sanders (about Sara): You want a Valium for her?
Sara Sidle: I heard that.

Sara Sidle: You made my pickle into a light bulb!

Sara Sidle: Dead bodies, bonus.
Gil Grissom: Ok, I'm starting to forgive you.

Greg Sanders: My name is Paul; and this is between y'all.

Gil Grissom: Hey, Sanders, no punk rock.
Greg Sanders: What about black flag?
Gil Grissom: Are you nuts?

Gil Grissom: Dermastidae masculatus.
Sara Sidle: That's Latin for you're hiding the bodies.

Sara Sidle: So that's why Grissom's late.
Warrick Brown: You just don't like any other women in his life.
Sara Sidle: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Sara Sidle: I agree with Grissom.
Conrad Ecklie: Of course you do.

Greg Sanders: All work and no play make Greg a dull boy.
Gil Grissom: All play and no work make Greg an unemployed boy.

Gil Grissom: Pupa, stage three; this guy's been dead seven days.
Jim Brass: That's a maggot. And he stinks.

Greg Sanders: It's not about the money.
Gil Grissom: That's good to know, Greg.

Sara: So relax and lie down on your back
Greg: You know, this is exactly like a dream I had once, except it wasn't in a garage and Grissom wasn't watching. Beat. That was a different dream.

Grissom: Make sure you document these skid marks.
Greg: (Smiles to himself) He said skid marks.

Cathrine (to Grissom over phone): What kind of Perverse game are you playing here Gil?
Grissom: I'm not a pervert!

Grissom: Would you close the door please? Hodges nods and goes to the door and closes it. Grissom smirks. From the other side.

Hodges: But, uhm, permit me to say, that the seasonal behaviour of the Walden Pond swamp mosquito was an incredibly stimulating seminar…
Grissom: And you know this how?
Hodges: I took your course online. It’s free to alumni…
Grissom: Oh, you’re Spanky...
Hodges: (Smiles…) 743… I aced the final, didn’t I?
(Grissom puts on a big, fake smile, nods and retreats into his office.)

Greg: I am the man!
Warrick: Why, what'd you do? Let me guess--you ran a DNA profile on the blood from the dead guy's knuckles and got a match?
Greg: No.
Grissom: You ran a DNA profile and something very distinctive popped up?
Not quite.
Warrick: You made it out of bed and you dressed yourself?
Greg: No.

Sara: I got crabs.
Grissom: I beg your pardon...?
Sara: I said I got crabs.
Grissom: WHAT?
Sara: The fabric... There is some sort of insect that looks like a... umh...a ...
Grissom: It looks like a crab?
Sara: Yeah.

Grissom: Ok Doc, tell me something I don't know.
Doc Robbins: OK, When I was in the fourth grade I dropped out of karate because a kid half my size made me cry.
Grissom: Beat ...About the body?

Brass: Hey Gil, what's that stuck to the bottom of your shoe? Oh, it's just Sanders...

Catherine: Why are you talking to yourself?
Grissom: I'm trying a new technique.
Catherine: Is it working?
Grissom: I have no idea.

Nick: Yeah, but I got her a chem set.
Sara: You keep that; might learn something.
Nick: Stop flirting with me. Cath, really, when's the party?

Catherine: Ugh...
Grissom: You OK?
(Cath turns the screen so Gil can see.)

Grissom: Pthirus Pubis.
Catherine: Yeah, crabs. I am buying Lindsey a chastity belt.
Grissom: There's a hole in the metal to let the urine pass, so theoretically she could still get them.
Catherine: You are so creepy sometimes.

Sara: When I was in college, I had this boyfriend--and I thought we were monogamous. Then one night during the post-coital pantie search, he handed me a pair of underwear that wasn't mine.
Warrick: Ooh! How'd he explain that one?
Sara: He said they belonged to his sister...
Warrick: Yeah right....Let's hope your taste in men has improved.
Sara: Yeah...

Greg: Wish I had one of these back in high school.
Nick: What's that, a letter jacket?
Greg: No. No, a love shack. Back seat of my car got real old, real fast. I was getting so much play my senior year, I was considering getting a hearse.
Nick: Well, I never accused you of not being smart Greg. A little weird but...a hearse?

Grissom: I heard you got some head.
Doc Robbins: Just came in. How'd you know?
Grissom: I arrange house seats for David to see Seline, so he pages me the minute you get anything perishable.
Doc Robbins: Sellout.

Catherine: (to Doc Robbins) Well, you ever try shaking your ass in four-inch heels? Beat. Don't answer that.

Grissom: (to Sara) I'm pretty good at mouth to mouth.

Grissom: Whoa, is that a pickle in your pocket or are you just happy to see us?

Grissom: (to Sara) Places like this always keep their pools warm. Encourages the girls to swim topless. It's good for business. Sara looks at Grissom. So they tell me.

Nick: Well, it takes 10 minutes to drive from the clinic to Industrial Road.
Warrick: Yeah?
Nick: Yeah, I had Greg run it.
Warrick: (laughing) That's classic.

Catherine: (to Grissom) No way use your own hand and No!
Grissom: Oh, come on I only have two, just this once.

Catherine: You said the Evidence doesn't lie!
Sara: What's da bling bling?

Sara: Granny was high?
Greg: Yup.
Sara: Granny was high?
Greg: As a kite.

Doc Robbins: Kamikaze granny

Catherine: Are you okay?
Grissom: A guy kills two people before breakfast that he had no intention of killing that morning. By all accounts, he's lead a meager, unnoticed life and all of a sudden, in a flash, it's over. And now, for him, the real suffering begins.
Catherine: You're tired.
(Another pause)
Grissom: Yeah.
(Sara walks in)
Sara: Hey, guess what?
Grissom: Mankind has reached a new evolutionary plateau and starting tomorrow, no one will rape, murder, or maim again?
(Sara looks at Catherine and then back at Grissom)
(Grissom's face portrays a defeated look)
Grissom: Too bad.

(Catherine's laughing and Grissom's smiling)
Grissom: Catherine? Do you need a minute?
(She continues to laugh)
Catherine: Yes...yes.. She clears throat ..I mean, no, Gil, I'm good.

(Hodges walks in and stands behind Grissom)
(Startled, Grissom turns around, but then looks back at the computer, mildly irritated)
Grissom: Thank you, Hodges. I can see that it's a train.
Hodges: Yeah, it's Locomotoville.
(Grissom doesn't say anything)
Hodges: Sorry..thought you might be a member.
(Grissom turns around and stares at Hodges)

(After Grissom lets Holly out of the room with all the dead bodies in it)
Grissom (to the bodies): You assholes!

Catherine: Tell, me: why are we here?
Grissom: 'Cause it's the only place within ten miles of Calville Bay that serves calamari.
Catherine: And you know this because?
Grissom: I come here for calamari.
Catherine: Alone?
Grissom: No. Beat Sometimes I have a beer with it.

Jim: Looks at Grissom "Doctor." Looks at Al "Doctor."

Jim: I don't wanna screw around with this nutcase. I'm gonna get some bleach and drip it on her til she gives up the location.

Doc Robbins: This is natural selection. The dumb ones die.

Grissom: Can you smell that?
Doc Robbins: Yeah.
Grissom: You're not supposed to be able to smell that through your suit.
Doc Robbins: Good to know.

Doc Robbins: Ha, the little bastard hit the main line!

Grissom: Guys, why are you wearing suits?
David: (Points at Doc Robbins) He made me.

Greg: See, I'm like a sponge. I absorb information.
Grissom: I thought that was my line?
Greg: Yeah, and I absorbed it.

Grissom: I'll be back in four weeks. Stop hugging me.
Nick: Yes, sir.

Catherine: I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship.
Grissom: We do.
Catherine:Yes Spel we have a problem. I don't tie up and paint Greg Sanders in latex.
Grissom: Good. He would probably like it.

Henry: So, we're looking for an obsessive, meticulous, dark-assed misanthrope who seeks recognition for his efforts.
[Wendy and Henry both look towards Hodges who is arranging his chips and carrots in three neat piles]
Hodges: [without looking up] When would I find the time? I'm always here.

Warrick ("Marlene"): (To Nick) Yeah, go ahead 'Honey'. Save my life.
Nick ("Max"): Right, Max gets up, slides across Marlene... (To Warrick) 'Scuse me 'Buttercup'...

Grissom: so what was the point of your new york story?
Greg: oh yeah another way to take heroin in up the cooly you just stand on your head and let gravity do the rest.

Nick: Hey, where you at?
Sara: On the train to crazyville.

Henry:I've got work to do
Hodges:and by 'work' you mean IM-ing your icelandic pen-pal who now thinks you look like Warrick Brown because that's the picture you posted
Henry:how did you...
Hodges:I just know.

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